


Does Winter Dream of Blue?

by You_Light_The_Sky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dark, Dark Winter Soldier, I am so sorry, M/M, Obsession, References to Brainwashing, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 01:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2006079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/You_Light_The_Sky/pseuds/You_Light_The_Sky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where after CA:TWS the Soldier is still loyal to HYDRA but everything he does is for Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Does Winter Dream of Blue?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Daelys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daelys/gifts).



> For the prompt submitted by daelys on tumblr: Steve/Bucky dark!fic AU, where Bucky still works for the ‘bad guys’ but keeps popping up enough for Steve to have some very confused feelings. 
> 
> Not quite what you wanted but I hope you like it nonetheless :)
> 
> Notes: Minor changes to canon; I have Steve and Bucky growing up as young orphans together rather than Steve’s mum dying later. Also probably ooc.

-1-

The Soldier wakes up, pain stitched to his eyebrows and the first thing he asks is: “Where is he?!”

The scientist (faces blurred together until they seem to stare at him with too many eyes and six mouths) flinches back at the harsh tone but replies, “Safe as long as you do this mission.”

“Can I see him then?” the Soldier asks as he is programmed.

“Yes,” the scientist lies. “After the mission.”

-

_From the confidential files of Doctor Arnim Zola:_

_Subject continues to resist programming by repeating his name, rank and serial number. Increases in electric shocks induce enough pain for subject to forget words and lose coherency. Continue to increase electric shock and cryogenic treatments until subject’s initial programming is successfully erased._

_-_

The first note is stuck up on the fridge when Steve wakes up.

It’s been a week since Natasha left before giving him all the files she could find on the Winter Soldier and Steve’s been working with Sam, trying to figure out where Bucky is while trying to come to terms with how Bucky was treated. Steve hasn’t slept longer than three hours at most without dreaming of Bucky in the ice, frozen next to him, being hurt while Steve was sleeping. He doesn’t tell Sam but sometimes he thinks he sees glimpses of Bucky in mirrors, glimpses of dark eyes and unkempt hair. The glint of a metal arm.

He needs to sleep.

Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t see the note at first. He’s not sure if he’s imagining it or not. Another random flash of colour in his eyes. Ghosts that aren’t there.

It’s not until he’s putting the orange juice back in the fridge that Steve pauses and stares, unsure, before he reaches out to touch the scrap of paper with shaking fingers and the carton of juice falls onto the floor that Steve realizes that it’s real. The familiar scrawl. The loopy Rs and messy Ls ( _stop writing on my notes Bucky,_ he used to giggle, as his friend wrote dirty limericks in the margins.)

 _Leave SHIELD_ , it says, _come and be safe._

Steve doesn’t understand. Last thing he heard was that SHIELD was in crumbles, no leader in sight, governments unwilling to trust the organization any longer. Steve had expected Maria to rebuild the organization but he hasn’t received any word from her. Besides, Steve doesn’t think he’ll be rejoining SHIELD any time soon, not after everything that happened, not when he has to find Bucky.

Steve takes the note and folds it before putting it in his pocket. The message isn’t important right now. Bucky came for him, even if it was for some vague and ambiguous message. That must mean something… right?

-2-

“Mission complete,” the soldier says and the scientists smile in glee.

“Put him on ice,” they say but those words have no meaning. Only follow. Obey.

He follows them down the hallway, anticipation in each step. He’ll see _him_ soon. He’ll see the results of his mission—

But instead of _him_ , the soldier sees the steel upright coffin, the grey sleeping trap and the soldier growls, lashing out, breaking arms, _where is he, where. Is. He._

“What’s happening?!” one asks.

Threat. Must be killed. Must find _him_ , no matter what the cost—

“Did you forget the last phrase in his programming?!”

“What?! No! I said it!”

“Well _say it again!_ ” the other scientists yells just as the soldier breaks his neck. One more. One more and then search out for the mission. For _him_.

“He—He’s _waiting for you!_ ” the last scientist screams and it’s like a switch flips off. The soldier is still trembling with rage (where is he, where is he, where is—) but he doesn’t attack. Only looks hungrily at the grey coffin.

“…Steve…?” he says.

 _And who the hell is that?_ the scientist wants to ask but he doesn’t dare. “Yes,” he nods furiously, anything to live. “Yes, he’s waiting for you in there.”

The soldier rushes in and just as he turns around in rage, the scientist presses the button.

( _Put him on ice / he’s waiting for you_ )

-

_From the confidential files of Doctor Arnim Zola:_

_Subject has lost coherency and time. Still believes it is 1942. Is taking too long to deprogram. When in pain, has stopped saying his own name but screams out another, only one word,_ Steve.

-

They don’t have anything about the movements of the Winter Soldier but they do hear about the remaining SHIELD officials and government leaders being sniped in their sleep or in public areas. Fury and Maria go deep into hiding with what little remains of SHIELD (mere crumbs really) with no word of their whereabouts to even Natasha. The world is in an uproar, demanding answers, questions.

Who is protecting us now? Where is Captain America? Iron Man? The Avengers?

Sam and Steve watch the television screen in horror.

“You don’t think that it’s your guy, do you?” Sam asks what Steve can’t bear to voice.

“No,” he says too quickly. “No, it can’t be. He saved me from drowning. Why would he do that and kill all these people?”

Sam is silent.

“Steve…” he says gently, putting a hand on Steve’s shoulder, “…I think your boy has been through some messed up shit… and he… he might not be all there anymore. He’s _hurting_ people, Steve. And even if he remembers you… even if that’s really still Barnes… you have to stop him.”

 _But I don’t know how,_ Steve wants to say,and …I _don’t think I can._

He doesn’t tell Sam that with every assassination, he finds another sketchpad or box of charcoal pencils put neatly on his pillow. Another note. All with the same message.

-3-

“Who is Steve?” the young girl they order him to train (to break) asks. She is the youngest of the other girls in the Black Widow program. The one with red hair.

“No one,” he snaps, throwing her down against the mat. “Do the punch again.”

She does. And none of the other girls ask about the name the soldier mutters obsessively with every kill.

Love is for children after all and Steve is for the soldier alone.

-

_From the confidential files of Doctor Arnim Zola:_

_Have succeeded in erasing long term memory. Yet subject still persists in flashes of recognition for one Captain Rogers. Under torture subject will still scream the captain’s name and upon awakening, subject will ask ‘where is he?’ indicating his obsession with Rogers. Yet when given reports of Captain America’s death in the ocean, subject showed no signs of grief, only continuing in his delusions after periods of deprogramming. Erratic behavior and violent outbursts are the norm between periods of obedience._

_-_

Sam and Steve decide to go hunt down the remaining Hydra bases.

“Maybe they have Bucky again,” Steve suggests painfully, “and they’ve… they’ve wiped him again.”

“Well fuck, let’s hope it’s not that. Maybe they’ve got other assassins we don’t know about,” _like the Black Widow program,_ they both think. “Could be more Winter Soldiers out there too. I doubt they’d stop at just one once they… reprogrammed him.”

And doesn’t that thought make Steve shudder.

“Either way, the bases could have more clues on how to find your guy, maybe even help him,” Sam says hopefully.

“I know… it’s just… Last time I went after Hydra for revenge, Bucky was actually alive… and he needed me. I can’t seem to… to…”

“Separate the experience?” Sam finishes softly. “Hey Steve, it’s not your fault, you hear? Besides, this is different. You _know_ he’s alive now. You’re just trying to find him.”

Not for the first time, Steve has the urge to hug Sam. “Thank you,” he says instead. He might not believe it now but it helps.

The first base they shut down is relatively easy. Steve infiltrates the security system (his lessons with Natasha paying off) while Sam picks off the guards and by the time they’ve herded all the Hydra agents together, the base has surrendered and Steve calls Maria for clean-up. She tells him that she’ll send over Agents May and FitzSimmons.

In the meantime, Sam and Steve find the locations of four more secret Hydra labs and another base with in the records so when Maria’s team comes in, they shove the files towards them before heading to the next base.

Only this one isn’t easy to take.

They barely make it to the entrance before something shoots Sam’s wings and Sam is hurtling down to the ground. Steve cries out, rushing over to catch his friend ( _a train—winter—falling—no—_ ) when a dark shape darts up from the rooftop and grabs Sam by the neck.

“Bucky!” Steve gasps.

“Hail Hydra,” he replies, face blank but eyes gleaming with a naked hunger towards Steve that he’s never seen before.

Steve screams out, “NO!” before Bucky can snap Sam’s neck, throwing his shield up at Bucky’s torso.

Bucky’s metal arm shoots out to catch the shield and Bucky glares down at Steve. “What is he to you?”

“I… what?”

“The Falcon,” Bucky’s monotonous tone gains a darker edge. “Who _is_ he to you?”

“A friend! My friend!” Steve blurts out, “Please don’t hurt him.”

“I am your friend,” the Soldier says.

“You are, Buck, you _are_ ,” Steve inches closer, “but you’re _Bucky_. You’re… you’re more.”

The Soldier doesn’t move. Just stares at Steve while Sam is choking, grasping up at the Soldier’s wrists as if he could pull the oxygen from the Soldier’s metal veins. And before Steve can move, the Soldier lets Sam down on the roof and Steve collapses on his knees while Sam mutters, “…son…of…a…” slumping down. Steve can’t move. He feels so numb. Everything is spinning and Bucky, where did—?

Rough hands grab Steve’s hair but gently cradle his face.

“Leave SHIELD,” the Soldier whispers, “come to Hydra,” and Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing, this—

“No, no, Bucky, please—”

The Soldier nods and releases Steve, “Then I will save you myself.”

“Bucky what—?”

Pain against his skull. The ground. Warm arms. Darkness. Cold.

-4-

The soldier points his weapon at the target, watches through the sniper’s scope for the human that will walk into his sight.

“Steve,” he whispers, as if the name will summon another fleeting image of that smile and that pale boy’s eyes. “Steve.”

His Steve would never approve, something tells him. Steve, acting all tough but too soft and kind for this world. Steve, standing up for what was right even if it got him killed. Steve. He doesn’t know himself but he knows what the _others_ have called Steve, how they looked at him ( _twink, runt, freak, trash—_ the soldier sees red and throws the first punch.)

 _No,_ the soldier thinks, he must eliminate all threats, all dangers so that Steve can live in safety. Hydra makes it possible. Hydra protects Steve. They have him now and he is waiting for the soldier to come and take care of Steve.

For Steve, he’d burn the world.

-

_From the confidential files of Doctor Arnim Zola:_

_I have approached the situation in the wrong manner. Viewed the subject’s fixation as an obstacle rather than a weakness to exploit. The key to the perfect machine. I assumed that the subject’s memory of Captain America was whole and complete, unbreakable but it is a mere fleeting thing… a vague base image that can be fine-tuned for Hydra’s purposes. The subject does not recognize the Captain in his post-serum body… only in his form pre-serum._

_That is the key._

_-_

Steve wakes in the dark, thrashing back and forth, trying to fight back against the Cold’s big strong arms— _I’m taking the plane down, there’s no choice Peggy_ —feeling the Cold press back harder and Steve gasps because he remembers seeing the white and then— _see you soon, Bucky—_

Something pins him down and Steve struggles to move out— _water, ice, all so close crashing into his face, the shards are tracing red tears permanently into his face—_ when he hears, “Steve, Steve,” all familiar and rough. Hands holding him down before they rub up and down in comforting (robotic) circles. “You’re safe. I keep you safe.”

Steve blinks rapidly, his mouth dry.

“…Bucky…?”

The grip on his shoulders tighten slightly. “Yes. That is my original programming. I resemble him,” the Soldier frowns, “but he failed his mission.”

“Bucky what are you talking about? What mission? And where’s—”

“He failed to keep you safe. He let you die,” the Soldier almost snarls, “let you wake up alone, left you to fight in another war for men who use you”—what—“who turned you into Captain America—”

“No, that was my choice! I would have done it anyway, you know I would’ve—”

“And I should have _been there!_ ”

The words hang between them, raw and shattered and in between the spaces, Steve is shaking his head. “No,” he doesn’t know what he’s protesting anymore. Everything. Nothing. Himself. “No, Bucky, it wasn’t your fault.” He knows this. He saw the mandatory draft, knew that Bucky lied about enlisting voluntarily. Wanted to do the right thing, but even more, he would have followed Bucky anywhere—

“Shh…” the Soldier presses his palm against Steve’s lists. The metal tastes like the plane as it hit the snow. Iron and ice. “Shield took you from me. Now I’m going to fix you.”

-5-

I know him.

I _know_ him.

The man on the bridge on the plane on the train in the water with the shield— _mission—_ the man on the bridge on the bridge on the on on on on the man on the man—

“Steve,” he breathes against the man’s lips when he pulls him from the water. This body is wrong. They put his Steve in the man and wanted him to kill his mission. They transferred Steve’s programming into a different unit and the Soldier wants to burn whoever did this ( _who the hell is Bucky_ ) because that body is defective ( _I’m your friend,_ says NotSteve as he stands there looking so damn familiar and the soldier wants to squeeze the false programming out of NotSteve except NotSteve is no longer fighting and that’s not right, he should _always be fighting_ and then he _falls damn it he falls_ and the soldier jumps in _ain’t ever leaving me punk you’re mine_.) That body doesn’t want to live.

As long as it houses Steve’s programming it has to live.

He needs more information on this unit, on how to remove Steve from this harmful unit and how Steve left Hydra’s protection.

Investigate SHIELD. Investigate Bucky.

-

_From the confidential files of Doctor Arnim Zola:_

_Recording Session 1: Testing new approach. Subject is drugged and put into the White Room with temperatures of negative ten degrees after a session of reprogramming_

_ZOLA: Do you know where you are?_

_WS: (monotonously)… Hydra._

_ZOLA: And what is Hydra?_

_WS: (still monotonously) Safe._

_ZOLA: Yes._

_WS: For Steve._

_ZOLA: Yes. We protect Steve._

_WS: …Steve (dark, rushed) where is he? Can I see him?_

_ZOLA: He’s here. He’s safe and he will continue being safe if you are Hydra._

_WS: I… am Hydra._

_ZOLA: Yes._

_WS: Hydra keeps Steve safe._

_ZOLA: Yes._

_WS:_ I _keep Steve safe._

_ZOLA: Yes._

-

Steve stares in horror at the room, when he realizes where he is. Screens lining the wall from top to bottom, stretching out onwards like the bunker that he and Natasha broke into. The same ‘archaic’ machines only in another (bigger) room and Steve backs away—“No, Bucky, this is bad. This is…!”

“The Programmer,” the Soldier replies. “He will fix you, put you back in your original unit.”

“My original…?”

“Your body,” the disembodied voice interrupts and if Steve could, he’d rip out all the wires in this building so he would never have to hear it again, “before the serum.”

Steve shakes his head. “You’re not getting the serum, Zola, not from me! Don’t you already have your own serum already?!” His hands itch for his shield but he can’t find it anywhere. Or Sam. Last time he saw Sam, the Soldier left him on the roof and Steve wishes he never asked Sam to come. Then Sam wouldn’t be hurt or possibly dead and maybe Steve wouldn’t be here.

(Of course he would. Bucky’s here after all.)

“A more… deficient version. It requires a subject with a deep… fixation. Not all men are as… fixated… as the Winter Soldier is with you,” the voice echoes off all the machines, seems to surround Steve and creep into his very bones.

“…What… what do you mean?” Steve glances at Bucky, who is standing attentively at the sound of Zola’s voice and Steve just wants to clap his hands over Bucky’s ears and cover all the screens.

“Don’t you realize it from the files, you received? Or did you not get my present? Well then… why don’t you listen to what I’ve recorded?”

Zola plays the files.

And Steve… Steve throws up on the ground. Can’t bear to breathe. He’s the reason, the reason that Bucky’s been used in such a horrific way—

“Now, we must keep you safe, Captain. Winter Soldier, restrain him for reprogramming.”

“ _Don’t you touch me!_ ” Steve yells. At himself. At Zola. The world. All wanting the serum. All wanting Captain America. All using Bucky and never looking at the brave man who sacrificed e _verything_ because Steve couldn’t leave well enough alone—!

The Soldier freezes, staring at him as if for the first time. Zola is screaming at the Soldier to grab Captain America, to hold him down and—

“Bucky please,” Steve looks at him. “Don’t do this. This isn’t,” oh god Steve hates himself, “this isn’t your programming. SHIELD. Hydra. None of it matters. It’s just you and me till the end of the line. Only us.”

The Soldier pins him down on the table. Puts the shackles on and Steve shakes.

“I’ll leave SHIELD. I’ll try to cure myself of the serum. I’ll do anything. Just you and me, Bucky. Just leave Hydra, please—!”

Shackles on his ankles. A soft touch against Steve’s brow. Steve wants to throw up again.

“Bucky—!”

Pain. Burning through him. He’s screaming and he can’t see anything. Just blurry spots and—

“You will be silent, Captain,” Zola’s voice echoes in the room. “Winter Soldier, leave.”

Nothing happens. The Soldier stands, staring at Steve’s wrists and ankles, at the sparks of electricity.

“Winter Soldier—”

“…You hurt him.”

The static and humming of the machines begin to fill Steve’s ears as he feels the burning overwhelm his body. He can’t see anymore where—

“It is necessary for reprogramming,” Zola responds but Bucky is already striding towards the main circuit board and opening it up, “What are you doing, Winter Soldier? Do not touch that, I order you to—”

He shoots the machine and the building is alight with fire.

-0-

“Who is Bucky?” the soldier asks when he finds the Programmer.

The screens around him flicker on. Billions of images appear before him, all of them the Programmer, staring at him.

“Winter Soldier,” it says, “why are you not rebuilding Hydra? That should be your priority. That will keep him safe. He is waiting for you.”

“ _NO!_ ” he smashes the screens on his right, letting glass trail down his arm. “You lie! He is with SHIELD! He was never with Hydra! He is in a different unit! They stole him from you!”

Hydra is safe and Hydra is the soldier and the soldier protects Steve and Steve is here and—

“…Yes, yes they did,” the Programmer admits. “They stole his consciousness and sealed it in a different unit, as you said. Then they reprogrammed him into Captain America. He doesn’t remember you. He remembers a different unit, the one before you… Bucky Barnes.”

For a moment the soldier doesn’t breathe.

“Bucky is… me.”

“A defective model. He couldn’t keep Steve safe. We had to… erase him. Can you keep Steve safe, Winter Soldier?”

The Soldier steps away from the glass screens and stares right ahead.

“Give me the mission.”

-

_A memory:_

_(Basic programming)_

_Coughing. Fever. Can’t get up._

_The nuns whisper that he’s dying. The other children avoid him. They don’t want to get infected. So he curls up in the corner with a thin ratty blanket because the other kids think he won’t survive the week so they stole the quilt his mum made him and if he wasn’t sick, he’d beat them up so bad for it!_

_He’s so cold. He’s never been this cold before and he hates it, hates it so much—_

_Warmth covers him and his eyes flutter open to see the scrawny Rogers kid, the one who’s locked up the sick room all the time, quietly draping him with his own blankets._

_“…What… the hell… do you think… you doin’…” he coughs and Rogers shrugs._

_“They’re extra blankets. You can have ‘em.”_

_And he’s too far gone to complain, just buries himself in the warmth as Rogers tip toes away._

_He drifts in and out to spoonfuls of soup and Rogers concentrating on not spilling a drop against the quilts. To the change of a wet cloth. To hot water bags and someone combing his hair. All with the same gentle hand and accompanied by smaller coughs on his own. And a song. Gentle little songs that make him want to open his eyes and join in or thank the punk next to him with a hug._

_Three days pass and he’s all better, jumping up to the amazement of the nuns and running to find Rogers and thank him—_

_He finds Rogers huddled against the corner, no blankets in sight, skinnier than ever with the nerve to grin stupidly at him as if Rogers is happy to be cold when Rogers is the one who is sick all the damn time and—_

_“Bucky!” Rogers exclaims even as a loud coughing fit overtakes him, “You—you’re alright!”_

_And Bucky can’t yell at Rogers then. Not for the blankets or the extra food and care. No. Because at that moment, with that stupid bright smile (no one’s ever been that happy to see Bucky before) he—_

_He wants that smile to last forever._

_-_

The Soldier wakes. He reaches out with his metal arm, pinning down the (not cold) warm body beneath him. Black smudges his skin. Ash. Stupid scientists, “Where is he?!” the Soldier snarls, his vision focusing in the dark and there he sees—

Those eyes. Same sad smile. Same colour hair but…

“…Steve…?” the Soldier breathes.

That same nod to the side, same blues peering up under long eyelashes.

“You’re here.”

Steve gives a choked laugh and the Soldier falters (he could never take Steve’s crying because Steve never just cries, the damn kid has to laugh so softly at the same time, as if forcing himself will chase the tears away) before Steve just buries his head against the Soldier’s chest.

“Yes, I’m here.”

The Soldier stiffens. Waiting. ( _Put him on ice._ ) He doesn’t dare relax, wants to memorize this (he can’t always retain his basic programming but he wants to. It’s the only thing he’s ever wanted besides—)

“What’s my mission?” the words slip out.

Steve begins to shake. No. No, Steve isn’t supposed to be sad. The Soldier has to make it stop. Needs a mission to keep Steve safe—

“Just,” Steve’s voice breaks through (always), “just be you.”

“…I don’t understand.”

“Bucky. The Winter Soldier. All or nothing. Be who you are right now. That’s all I need.”

“But…” _it hurts you, it’s all wrong, how do I deserve you?_ he wants to argue (and he will, someday.) Instead, he whispers the one thing that has always been true, “I just want you safe.”

“Then, keep me safe, for as long as you need me.”

The Soldier returns the embrace then, breathes in Steve, Steve, Steve.

“I will always need you.”

He doesn’t notice Steve’s sad smile.

-

 _No,_ Steve thinks, _you won’t._

After all, once Bucky remembers (if he ever does), how could he stand being around the thing that made him believe that Hydra was safe?

\--

**Author's Note:**

> Possible sequel: The Soldier recalls his original Programming. Steve thinks that it’s best to leave. The Winter Soldier (Bucky) won’t let him go.
> 
> Also Sam is okay, I love him too much.


End file.
